life is insane
it is so real
so fucking real
the things we desire,
the goodness we look for,
the love we want,
the everything we want to attract…
it’s all real.
it’s not just the real deal,
it IS the deal.
it IS the whole damn thing.
i had a recent realization.
recent, as in, this morning
realization, as in, what i would call my second awakening lol
my first being when i was 19,
experiencing something so fucking real it completely changed my life,
instantaneously able to see Truth,
to get a clear ass glimpse of god, of love, of me
for the first time in 19 years.
it was beyond anything i’d experienced at a church retreat.
for 3 years following that moment, i spent a lot of time on my own, in my room, praying (really, meditating), reading the Bible, writing, journaling (including a lot of channeling).
no friends, nowhere to go with the car i didn’t have, nothing to do,
but commune with what i now call Source or Spirit
it was very formative
i searched my soul
i found my soul
and i thought, i had arrived
and everything following those 3 years, i looked at from the perspective of those 3 years
it was my gold standard,
it was a symbolism of my having integrated all the god there was to integrate
looking back, i can see why i held it such high regard — everything else up to that point was so pointless, so stupid, lame, empty,
that the moment i experienced grace and love and freedom, i felt like it was the world
and it was
but only for that moment
it was never meant to extend beyond that moment
the intention of that moment was made complete in the full experience of it in the then Now
but i had made it an idol, unconsciously
nothing bad or wrong with it,
it just kept me from fully experiencing the new Now,
the new experience of god, of love, of joy, of freedom
the new new that’s always in the perfect Now
and by living in the past,
i told the universe,
i told god,
that i knew everything there was to know
and in that, i could learn nothing more,
i could experience nothing new
there was no Now,
rather, it was captured in the past, locked into glass cage
it never fought though,
it never rejected me,
never chastised me,
nor rebuked me
nor humiliated me for my small thinking.
All That Is,
the Perfect Now
sat in the glass cage, watching me
with pure love,
pure outpouring of goodwill,
the deepest presence,
focused entirely on me,
on my beingness,
on my choices,
on my desires.
and all of it was good.
even the part where i tried to box them away.
because they knew,
as i know now,
i could never really box away the truth
i could never really eternally reject what was always meant to be,
what was always going to pass,
what i was and am always available to.
throughout the past decade, i thought i could,
until i came up screaming, from the darkest parts of my being
i am making it sound more dramatic than my life has been,
but from my viewpoint now,
the idea of disconnecting with godness is absolute insanity and pure torture.
in that place, nothing makes sense
life is empty
that was the quiet nagging of my heart, of my soul for so many of my recent years
it manifested in frustration,
friction in everything i did.
nothing i did was right,
everything i did was wrong
everything felt so heavy
and how could it not,
when i attributed the best i ever could be, to the past,
to those 3 years of deep exploration,
suffocating myself from the very air that is available to me right now
that pure precious life-giving air,
so free and abundant and omnipresent,
all around me,
giving giving giving, always giving in accordance what i am able to receive,
or rather, what i believe i am able to receive
that real real air.
no wonder everything i did felt like a freaking push against the world,
my lungs were pushing to get some real air,
not the air of a memory so many moons ago.
realizing that i had been forsaking the truth available today,
realizing that i had been trying to recreate an experience that had completed its course…
opened the door to choose something new
choose something… Now
i realized i had unintentionally cut myself off,
and now i could intentionally choose what i want, based on this realization
and the answer is so obvious, isn’t it?
BREATHE THE FREAKING AIR RIGHT NOW
there is nothing else to do,
nowhere else to go,
nothing else to be.
this is it.
i feel like there’s still so much to process around this realization,
not a damn thing to process
i spent all day just fucking giddy
breaking out in random dancing
happy screaming in the freedom i came home to,
the freedom that had always been,
graciously waiting for me to choose it,
choose it over what had been,
over my ideas about what freedom is,
over ideas, PERIOD.
the experience is 10000000000000 times better than an idea
no, it’s INFINITELY better
there is no comparison
and the fact is, i am here to experience
i am here to FEEL it all
i am here to BE it all
i asked myself earlier today, did i feel like these past 10 years were a waste?
living in the shadow of the truth?
and my answer is Absofuckinglutely not.
having experienced this level of freedom and joy and release and coming home…
it is ALL worth it
all worth it.
would i do it again??
100000 times over
because those times where i wasn’t breathing, that was also part of the experience, you get me?
that was part of the coming home
how can i come home if i can’t leave home
or i can’t get lost?
how can i know the deliciousness of air,
or even just what it means to breathe,
if i don’t have the option to not?
it’s all part of it
so fucking beautiful
so fucking complete
just so fucking magnificent
i’m so taken
taken by it all
the absolute gorgeous experience of love, of god, of me, of Now, of beauty…
isn’t it a wonderful thing to be alive?
isn’t it just a fantastic experience?
full of ups and downs,
ins and outs,
here and theres…
so so so grateful
sooooo so so so excited to see what’s unfolding from this new point of view,
it’s so good.
here i am
here we are
i don’t even know how to end this post lol
my heart feels like it’s going to explode
forever and ever and ever.
yes to life
yes to me
yes to All That Is
yes to yes