threads

it feels like such an interesting time for me right now

i feel like i’m coming face to face with more layers of myself than i knew existed

but when i see them, it also doesn’t surprise me

there were hints and breadcrumbs of these layers all throughout my life

and i’m just now piecing things together,

it’s like i’ve been weaving my story on a loom

and i’ve come to a place where i don’t know what the next thread is,

the fabric, the material, the origin…

at first, it’s really odd, i study it, i turn it over,

it’s unfamiliar, odd-looking, even.

it’s not the thread i consciously chose or wanted to incorporate into my work,

but here i am,

holding this thread…

a color i didn’t expect,

a scratchy i didn’t anticipate…

will it go with the rest of the work?

will it vibe with the other colors and material around it?

i don’t really know…

but it’s what’s here,

and i feel like the only thing to do…

is to be with it,

to see it,

to examine it as far as my curiosity takes me,

to accept it,

love it,

embrace it,

cherish it…

yes, even cherish it.

i know this all sounds very vague and enigmatic…

a part of that is by design, because i feel like the gold in life is about how i move through life, more than what’s happening in life.

but i am also open to being open with what’s coming up for me today and recently…

i am realizing that i am not as whole as i thought i was.

i am realizing that the childhood i had was not as supportive and loving and kind to me as i had once thought.

there are many parts of my childhood that certainly were, things i could speak to easily and off the top of my head…

but there are more quiet, still, insidious, even, experiences that i feel have colored who i am today, more than i ever knew.

these experiences live in my body and mind as moments, split seconds of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, unmet needs…

all leading into experiences of overcompensation, parenting the parent, seeking approval, doing things outside of what felt good…

all leading to experiences of depression, loneliness (this is a big one for me), more anxiety, more uncertainty, more fear…

all leading to… here. right now.

me.

what’s even more interesting is,

i feel like i’ve healed enough, i’m able to sit within myself deeply and comfortably enough, that i don’t associate with those experiences as Who I Am…

and i’m generally able to live ‘normally’…

if you saw me on the street, i would embrace you and you would *feel* the happiness flowing from me, and you would never be able to tell the depths untold behind closed doors,

or that there even are closed doors.

and that happiness and warmth you feel is true, every moment of it.

i feel it, i know it, i am it.

and also, here i am.

the child who seeks to belong, to feel safe, feel loved, feel unconditional positive regard.

i realize how far i’ve come,

to be able to live fully into the part of me that is healed and wise enough to move through life, in love and joy and fullness,

and

to be able to hold space for the one within that is still learning to be loved fully for who she is.

to be able to love and desire to honor my parents for raising me the best they could and did,

and 

to be able to love and be with my child fully in the midst of the emotional pain, longing, unrest.

it’s quite a gift and an experience to love all sides of it, no side made wrong or right.

it just is.

such an interesting place to be, for me.

i don’t really know what to do or where to go,

or rather, i have ideas,

but i feel like the biggest thing is to keep weaving,

let the thread flow between my fingers,

feel every bit of it, each fiber, every texture, the feeling of it as i pull it through, settle it against the other fibers…

grieve where grief is present,

rest where rest is needed,

hold gently where embrace is welcome.

i don’t necessarily feel like this whole thing is a masterpiece, y’know?

like the whole, i’m manifesting something great and this is a part of it.

it feels more… raw.

i’m just doing the day to day, 

feeling what’s present,

seeking assistance where i feel called to…

learning to love and heal parts of me that are ready to loved and healed.

i feel open,

open to myself,

open to new understandings about myself,

open to new experiences birthed from the new understandings,

open to breath, to life, to now.

feels less like a dramatic and vigorous ‘i’m open! let me take the world!’

and more matter of fact.

i’m here, what’s next?