it’s hilarious, isn’t it
it is, to me
the idea that i think i know something,
think i know myself
think i know
i thought i knew how to be
and i did
for a brief moment
that moment being the moment i experienced myself fully
and not a moment after
just that moment
and here i am,
years down the line
coming home to
new ways of being
and really, they’re not new
they’re just the next breath,
the next ‘logical’ step of the unfolding of….
it just seems new, because it’s something not experienced previously
but at the end of the day, the path was always already known,
the ‘destination’ that i am constantly headed towards and know i will never reach
is already known.
and the ‘newness’ is a given
this whole life,
this whole existence…
it is, in my very humble opinion ha,
all about how deeply i want to fill out the me that is on this journey,
this little trek i’ve chosen for myself.
how deeply do i want to feel?
how deeply do i want to be me?
how deeply do i want to express me?
how deeply… anything?
all the way.
all the damn way.
and in that choice, i open myself to new experiences of Me,
layers and levels deeper than anything i’ve imagined.
the me i thought i knew… she was just the surface
and up til now, that was the depth i was available to, and vice versa
it was everything i needed and wanted…
until i gave in to the longing,
the yearning for complete freedom from definitions formed from a previous state of being
the desire for Truth, something better, yes, better than the truth of a past
i feel like i always write about expansion and evolution
how i’m learning new things all the time
every time, it feels so fucking real
so fucking here
so fucking true.
i really didn’t know that much about myself lol
i really didn’t know the depth, the vastness within
i mean, i cried on the way here
and i’m sure there’s more
i hurt and felt sadness, so much sadness
i felt the rage, so much rage
i felt so desolate and lost
lonely and alone
alone and lonely
and i’m sure… there’s more
and also, i’m even surer… that this is exactly where i want to be
this is exactly who i want to be
and actually, i am the who i’ve always wanted to be
looking back, remembering teenager grace,
young adult grace,
seeing through her eyes, recounting her yearning of who she wanted to be…
here i am biaaatch
i know you didn’t expect me
but you sort of did,
by imagining me
by wanting to be me
by desiring me
and in that, desiring yourself.
i just want to say,
you have good vision 😉
great vision, actually.
just so stellar
so fucking real
so fucking good
you are just so good.
you don’t even know
i mean, i’m just figuring that out myself jesus
i didn’t even know how good i am until i’m seeing glimpses of it now,
between the tears,
between the spacey-ness
between all the feelings
and definitely in the all feelings
the glimpses tell me that there really isn’t much for me to want of myself
they tell me i am so damn complete it’s not even funny.
not even funny
all of it
all of me
i want to cry, how hilarious it is
or just cry because it’s so good
because it feels so good to be me
because it feels enough
it feels well.
and i’m really really really really happy to be here.
love you, me
love you, world
love you, universe
love you, all the other humans
love you, Soul, my partner, my space-holder, my lover, my friend, my seer, my mirror.
love you, Stef, my soulmate friend from many lives.
love you, me.
you fabulous fabulous being.