so hilarious it’s not even funny

it’s hilarious, isn’t it

it is, to me

the idea that i think i know something,

think i know myself

think i know

period.

example

i thought i knew how to be

and i did

for a brief moment

that moment being the moment i experienced myself fully

and not a moment after

just that moment

and here i am,

years down the line

realizing

experiencing

coming home to

new ways of being

and really, they’re not new

they’re just the next breath,

the next ‘logical’ step of the unfolding of….

everything.

it just seems new, because it’s something not experienced previously

but at the end of the day, the path was always already known,

the ‘destination’ that i am constantly headed towards and know i will never reach

is already known.

and the ‘newness’ is a given

this whole life,

this whole existence…

it is, in my very humble opinion ha,

all about how deeply i want to fill out the me that is on this journey,

this little trek i’ve chosen for myself.

how deeply do i want to feel?

how deeply do i want to be me?

how deeply do i want to express me?

how deeply… anything?

my answer…

all the way.

all the damn way.

and in that choice, i open myself to new experiences of Me,

layers and levels deeper than anything i’ve imagined.

the me i thought i knew… she was just the surface

and up til now, that was the depth i was available to, and vice versa

it was everything i needed and wanted…

until i gave in to the longing,

the yearning for complete freedom from definitions formed from a previous state of being

the desire for Truth, something better, yes, better than the truth of a past

i feel like i always write about expansion and evolution

how i’m learning new things all the time

but gatdamn

every time, it feels so fucking real

so fucking here

so fucking true.

i really…

i really didn’t know that much about myself lol

i really didn’t know the depth, the vastness within

it

is

so

good

i mean, i cried on the way here

and i’m sure there’s more

i hurt and felt sadness, so much sadness

i felt the rage, so much rage

i felt so desolate and lost

lonely and alone

alone and lonely

and i’m sure… there’s more

and also, i’m even surer… that this is exactly where i want to be

this is exactly who i want to be

and actually, i am the who i’ve always wanted to be

looking back, remembering teenager grace,

young adult grace,

seeing through her eyes, recounting her yearning of who she wanted to be…

here i am biaaatch

i know you didn’t expect me

but you sort of did,

by imagining me

by wanting to be me

by desiring me

and in that, desiring yourself.

i just want to say, 

you have good vision 😉

great vision, actually.

just so stellar

so fucking real

so fucking good

you are just so good.

you don’t even know

i mean, i’m just figuring that out myself jesus

i didn’t even know how good i am until i’m seeing glimpses of it now,

between the tears,

between the spacey-ness

between all the feelings

and definitely in the all feelings

the glimpses tell me that there really isn’t much for me to want of myself

they tell me i am so damn complete it’s not even funny.

ha

not even funny

and also

hilarious

so hilarious

all of it

all of me

i want to cry, how hilarious it is

or just cry because it’s so good

because it feels so good to be me

because it feels enough

it feels

right.

it feels well.

and i’m really really really really happy to be here.

really.

a lot

very much.

yah.

yas.

yaaaaaaas.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas.

and yay.

love you, me

love you, world

love you, universe

love you, all the other humans

love you, Soul, my partner, my space-holder, my lover, my friend, my seer, my mirror.

love you, Stef, my soulmate friend from many lives.

love you, me.

you fabulous fabulous being.

toodles.