how the tables have turned

one of the things i find myself blaming myself most often for is

‘i should have known better’

i

should

have

known

better.

it’s a hard path to walk,

not that the path is hard,

but i make the path hard

because with that accusation,

i take away the lightness and the freshness of the present moment

and weigh it down with shame

and never-enough-ness

a never-ending game of 

should have, 

could have,

would have,

and never was.

i play that game when i think about my relationship with religion, with christianity,

with the missions i’ve gone on,

the things i’ve done in the name of something i didn’t actually really truly know.

i shake my head in disdain when i think about how foolish i had been,

how little i had known…

how much i thought i knew…

i feel the deep desire to belittle and diminish the naive girl who was exploring herself,

the world,

god,

the universe…

and when i think about that little girl,

my heart feels sad

because she was so earnest

she was all in

and here i am

beating her up

when it was her stepping into the unknown,

launching from what she knew she knew

that made the journey so beautiful,

so real

so raw

so true

so good…

and the truth is, she never really believed that she knew everything at any given moment,

she knew she knew nothing

and that was what allowed her to venture so far from where she started…

and here i am…

still so angry…

but am i actually angry right now?

hmm

i guess this is a new stream of consciousness i’m experiencing

she always knew that she didn’t know anything

so… could she ever have known ‘better’?

was there ever a ‘better’ to know at any given point?

wasn’t everything she was aware of at any given moment,

the absolute everything available to her,

that she was absolutely available to?

could there have been more?

…

in this moment… i see that no, there couldn’t have been more.

she couldn’t have known more

she wouldn’t have known more

and she sure as hell shouldn’t have known more.

she knew exactly what was perfect for her in that moment,

in whatever moment,

in every moment.

and she believing in it,

believing in herself fully…

that *is* the gift,

to herself,

to the universe,

to All That Is.

now i feel silly

lol

making a gatdamn mountain out of a mole hill

i do love a good drama ha

heeheehee

damn

i really couldn’t have been more perfect…

i mean, to have arrived at THIS place,

to know what i know NOW,

to BE who the fuck i am

jeezus

that little girl…

not so little

not so naive

not so ignorant and powerless

after all.

and i see…

that who i am today,

what i am today…

was called forth by that little girl.

by golly

she KNEW

she motherfucking KNEW

lollll

she…

knew.

she knew her desires

she felt each one

listened carefully,

even when no one had taught her to

even when she was told to suffocate her sense of self,

her sense of worth

she did the thing that only she knew to do,

that only she knew

and she did it every day

every single day

quietly

courageously

consistently

thanklessly

she chose herself

she chose freedom

she chose love

she chose life

and how…

how can i look at that

and call that anything less than everything i’ve ever wanted?

gatdamn

gat

damn

and it is

and so it became

and so it will be

life is crazy

life is sweet

life is good

i just got a taste of me

i’m both humbled

and

proud

all of the above

and more.

it’s good to be me.

it’s always been so.

aho.