one of the things i find myself blaming myself most often for is
‘i should have known better’
it’s a hard path to walk,
not that the path is hard,
but i make the path hard
because with that accusation,
i take away the lightness and the freshness of the present moment
and weigh it down with shame
a never-ending game of
and never was.
i play that game when i think about my relationship with religion, with christianity,
with the missions i’ve gone on,
the things i’ve done in the name of something i didn’t actually really truly know.
i shake my head in disdain when i think about how foolish i had been,
how little i had known…
how much i thought i knew…
i feel the deep desire to belittle and diminish the naive girl who was exploring herself,
and when i think about that little girl,
my heart feels sad
because she was so earnest
she was all in
and here i am
beating her up
when it was her stepping into the unknown,
launching from what she knew she knew
that made the journey so beautiful,
and the truth is, she never really believed that she knew everything at any given moment,
she knew she knew nothing
and that was what allowed her to venture so far from where she started…
and here i am…
still so angry…
but am i actually angry right now?
i guess this is a new stream of consciousness i’m experiencing
she always knew that she didn’t know anything
so… could she ever have known ‘better’?
was there ever a ‘better’ to know at any given point?
wasn’t everything she was aware of at any given moment,
the absolute everything available to her,
that she was absolutely available to?
could there have been more?
in this moment… i see that no, there couldn’t have been more.
she couldn’t have known more
she wouldn’t have known more
and she sure as hell shouldn’t have known more.
she knew exactly what was perfect for her in that moment,
in whatever moment,
in every moment.
and she believing in it,
believing in herself fully…
that *is* the gift,
to the universe,
to All That Is.
now i feel silly
making a gatdamn mountain out of a mole hill
i do love a good drama ha
i really couldn’t have been more perfect…
i mean, to have arrived at THIS place,
to know what i know NOW,
to BE who the fuck i am
that little girl…
not so little
not so naive
not so ignorant and powerless
and i see…
that who i am today,
what i am today…
was called forth by that little girl.
she motherfucking KNEW
she knew her desires
she felt each one
even when no one had taught her to
even when she was told to suffocate her sense of self,
her sense of worth
she did the thing that only she knew to do,
that only she knew
and she did it every day
every single day
she chose herself
she chose freedom
she chose love
she chose life
how can i look at that
and call that anything less than everything i’ve ever wanted?
and it is
and so it became
and so it will be
life is crazy
life is sweet
life is good
i just got a taste of me
i’m both humbled
all of the above
it’s good to be me.
it’s always been so.
I wanna know what you think