
I got off the phone feeling mildly heated
Annoyed
Flustered
Soul and I just had “discussion” around which salsa was the one they liked – they were at the farmers market and wanted to buy the one we had eaten a few weeks back.
I felt like I had explained what I knew and felt I wasn’t being heard
My voice rose
My heartbeat quickened
My heart closed
My tone felt sharp
After we got off the phone, I felt the temptation to feel bad about myself
To feel like I could have
Should have
Would have been kinder, softer, more open if I had just XYZ
If I just knew ABC
If I just chose to DEF
I could feel the inward churning of emotions
Of habits of thought
And inclinations of heart
To turn on myself
Make myself wrong
Chide myself for not being more patient
More soft
More present
More blah blah blah
More… vanilla
Hahaha
It was so interesting sitting with the thoughts that swirled
Meanwhile, a part of me was so adamant
That I would NOT feel bad
I would NOT apologize for my tone, my demeanor, my seeming closed-off-ness
I would NOT negate not only my emotions in that moment
But the expression of those emotions
I would NOT disown who I chose to be in that moment
And there was nothing more precious and perfect and lovely and wonderful
Than exactly what I had chosen to embody
And in that, I realized the truth of what I had been taught about being me
Being human
Being real..
And that is, the biggest lie ever told and ever believed is that we need to change any part of who we are and how we show up
For any other reason but our own natural evolution and journey
I’m not talking about the evolution we are consciously trying to manifest, the vision of our healed self
I’m talking about the natural evolution that takes place, that can’t NOT take place
When we choose to believe the everlasting truth that we are perfect EX ACT LY as we are
Exactly in our “worst” moments
Exactly in our “lowest” moments
Exactly in our “ugliest” moments
All those words are in quotations because they indicate the lie that any part of the experience of who we are is less than perfect and good and worthy of love
The lie is that the “ugly” side of us is not acceptable
The “bad” side needs to be resolved and healed and released
And in that, we learn to reject a part of ourselves
And in that, we will never actually be completely healed from it
We can’t.
Until we can see the truth that it is ALL a part of the beauty and wonder and love that we are
And we can let it flow the way it will
While always absolutely without a shadow of a doubt holding ourselves in the perfect all-encompassing pure love that we are and came to experience and, subsequently express
So going back to that phone conversation,
I heard the words I was saying about myself,
That I could have been more ____________
And I responded, I absolutely refuse to hold myself to a standard outside of who I am being and who I am choosing to embody in every moment
No more judgment about my anger
No more judgment about my short fuse
No more judgment about my fear
No more judgment about my anxiety
No more judgment about my coldness
My aloofness
Hurt
Hurtfulness
Sharp tongue
No more
And… a brilliant Yes to the moment
Any and every given moment
Yes to me
Yes to the me however the stars are aligned
However my hormones are
However my emotions be
However I am
Yes yes yes
Only yes
Always yes
Forever and ever
And motherfucking ever
Amen.
I wanna know what you think