ex act ly me

I got off the phone feeling mildly heated

Annoyed

Flustered

Soul and I just had “discussion” around which salsa was the one they liked – they were at the farmers market and wanted to buy the one we had eaten a few weeks back. 

I felt like I had explained what I knew and felt I wasn’t being heard

My voice rose 

My heartbeat quickened

My heart closed

My tone felt sharp

After we got off the phone, I felt the temptation to feel bad about myself

To feel like I could have

Should have

Would have been kinder, softer, more open if I had just XYZ

If I just knew ABC

If I just chose to DEF

I could feel the inward churning of emotions 

Of habits of thought

And inclinations of heart

To turn on myself

Make myself wrong

Chide myself for not being more patient

More soft

More present

More blah blah blah

More… vanilla

Hahaha

It was so interesting sitting with the thoughts that swirled

Meanwhile, a part of me was so adamant

That I would NOT feel bad

I would NOT apologize for my tone, my demeanor, my seeming closed-off-ness

I would NOT negate not only my emotions in that moment

But the expression of those emotions

I would NOT disown who I chose to be in that moment

And there was nothing more precious and perfect and lovely and wonderful

Than exactly what I had chosen to embody

And in that, I realized the truth of what I had been taught about being me

Being human

Being real..

And that is, the biggest lie ever told and ever believed is that we need to change any part of who we are and how we show up

For any other reason but our own natural evolution and journey

I’m not talking about the evolution we are consciously trying to manifest, the vision of our healed self

I’m talking about the natural evolution that takes place, that can’t NOT take place

When we choose to believe the everlasting truth that we are perfect EX ACT LY as we are

Exactly in our “worst” moments

Exactly in our “lowest” moments

Exactly in our “ugliest” moments

All those words are in quotations because they indicate the lie that any part of the experience of who we are is less than perfect and good and worthy of love

The lie is that the “ugly” side of us is not acceptable

The “bad” side needs to be resolved and healed and released

And in that, we learn to reject a part of ourselves

And in that, we will never actually be completely healed from it

We can’t. 

Until we can see the truth that it is ALL a part of the beauty and wonder and love that we are

And we can let it flow the way it will

While always absolutely without a shadow of a doubt holding ourselves in the perfect all-encompassing pure love that we are and came to experience and, subsequently express

So going back to that phone conversation,

I heard the words I was saying about myself,

That I could have been more ____________

And I responded, I absolutely refuse to hold myself to a standard outside of who I am being and who I am choosing to embody in every moment

No more judgment about my anger

No more judgment about my short fuse

No more judgment about my fear

No more judgment about my anxiety

No more judgment about my coldness

My aloofness

Hurt

Hurtfulness

Sharp tongue

No more

And… a brilliant Yes to the moment

Any and every given moment

Yes to me

Yes to the me however the stars are aligned

However my hormones are 

However my emotions be

However I am

Yes yes yes

Only yes

Always yes

Forever and ever

And motherfucking ever

Amen.