
something about the sun going down
has me feeling
mellow
alone
yearning
not sure for what
but wanting something
a distraction?
i’m reminded of an ig reel i saw today
this guy said something like,
for all you people out there who didn’t have an emotional connection with your primary caregivers…
how is it wanting connection while staying in isolation??
it made me chuckle
such a humorous way to point out such a painful aspect of living
such an easy way to put it
the chuckle gave way to a sigh
lol
too close to home
i mean i’m not pining for connection
but in these moments of quiet,
aloneness
especially as the day turns into evening,
especially on a sunday,
i feel hungry for something i can’t put my finger on
i could go down the list of things i could do,
people i could reach out
(that list isn’t as long lol)
but nothing seems to be the thing
everything seems to accompanied with some sort of compensating burden,
the pain of coordinating schedules
finding parking
thinking about coming back home and brushing my teeth
floss
get ready for bed
apparently, i’m just tired of living
so tired of living
that i want to live
but tired of the living that comes with living
all the living
where to go from here
and so, i find myself sitting in the middle of my apartment
staring at myself in the mirror every now and then
moving to the music
wondering…
what would captivate my heart?
what would absolutely be a hell yes
what would be the thing?
and i just don’t know lol.
or, is there even a thing?
i think, if i’ve learned anything about life,
there’s no thing
there’s just me
me with me with me with me
not even me with god anymore
or me with universe
because
isn’t it all the same?
the drop
and
the ocean
and
the drop
and
the ocean
so, just me with me
what does Grace want?
as i ask myself
as i hear the question
i feel my heart swell
i feel…
something
something like… possibility
no idea the details,
and not really interested.
just breathing feels nice
listening to amazing music from all around the world
typing on my little machine
lounging on my bed
no lights on
dull light still seeping in from outside
just being here is nice
without psychoanalyzing everything
a walk would have been nice
and maybe i still will
the beach would have been nice
maybe…
it’s interesting
to be in this blahness
and still feel alive
knowing that it’s all part of it
part of me
and whatever is ready to heal
if there is anything to heal
release
whenever that is
will be.
right now
right here
i simply choose to surrender
to the flow underneath it all
the flow that binds us all
the thread that weaves us across time and space
it’s enough
just to know that i am not alone
in my aloneness
just to feel
in my unfeelingness
in my desire to feel
it is all good
oh,
did i mention
my period is late
lol
I wanna know what you think