late

something about the sun going down

has me feeling

mellow

alone

yearning

not sure for what

but wanting something

a distraction?

i’m reminded of an ig reel i saw today

this guy said something like,

for all you people out there who didn’t have an emotional connection with your primary caregivers…

how is it wanting connection while staying in isolation??

it made me chuckle

such a humorous way to point out such a painful aspect of living

such an easy way to put it

the chuckle gave way to a sigh

lol

too close to home

i mean i’m not pining for connection

but in these moments of quiet,

aloneness

especially as the day turns into evening,

especially on a sunday,

i feel hungry for something i can’t put my finger on

i could go down the list of things i could do,

people i could reach out

(that list isn’t as long lol)

but nothing seems to be the thing

everything seems to accompanied with some sort of compensating burden,

the pain of coordinating schedules

finding parking

thinking about coming back home and brushing my teeth

floss

get ready for bed

apparently, i’m just tired of living

so tired of living

that i want to live

but tired of the living that comes with living

all the living

where to go from here

and so, i find myself sitting in the middle of my apartment

staring at myself in the mirror every now and then

moving to the music

wondering…

what would captivate my heart?

what would absolutely be a hell yes

what would be the thing?

and i just don’t know lol.

or, is there even a thing?

i think, if i’ve learned anything about life,

there’s no thing

there’s just me

me with me with me with me

not even me with god anymore

or me with universe

because

isn’t it all the same?

the drop

and 

the ocean

and

the drop

and

the ocean

so, just me with me

what does Grace want?

as i ask myself

as i hear the question

i feel my heart swell

i feel…

something

something like… possibility

no idea the details,

and not really interested.

just breathing feels nice

listening to amazing music from all around the world

typing on my little machine

lounging on my bed

no lights on

dull light still seeping in from outside

just being here is nice

without psychoanalyzing everything

a walk would have been nice

and maybe i still will

the beach would have been nice

maybe…

it’s interesting

to be in this blahness

and still feel alive

knowing that it’s all part of it

part of me

and whatever is ready to heal

if there is anything to heal

release

whenever that is

will be.

right now

right here

i simply choose to surrender

to the flow underneath it all

the flow that binds us all

the thread that weaves us across time and space

it’s enough

just to know that i am not alone 

in my aloneness

just to feel

in my unfeelingness

in my desire to feel

it is all good

oh,

did i mention

my period is late

lol