so many things are making sense as of late
so many things are falling into place
and by so many things,
everything was already there,
not even waiting.
they were just there.
the aspects of my mind,
and i was the last one to the party
the guest of honor lol
i’m not even sure where to begin
and also, i realize there’s nothing to start
i’m just continuing the journey that started at the start of this blog, and before
the search for understanding,
for knowing myself,
All That Is.
arriving always at different shades of
awareness that all those aspects
but even more so today,
i’m more and more at home with the experience of the human,
more and more in tune with the body,
more and more comfortable and open with me.
and more specifically,
i realize i’ve felt emotionally lonely for most of my life
it was the one thing, besides my relentless desire for truth,
that has been constant in my life.
and i’m finally arriving at the center of that loneliness,
seeing inside of me,
for the first time,
understanding why this has been my experience,
what led up to this,
why why why
it wasn’t just that i grew up feeling inadequate
or that i wasn’t told certain things
or that i *was* told certain things that weren’t the most enriching lol
i didn’t just generally get to this place
there were specific things, memories, experiences
and a lack of certain things, memories, experiences
that informed me who i am to me,
how i am to be with me
how i see myself
how i think the world sees me
how i think god sees me.
a world of loneliness
built one brick at a time
it all sounds sad
it’s a light of hope
it tells me, i don’t need to keep fighting against what’s within
i don’t need myself to be a different way
this isn’t arbitrary
my being here feeling what i’m feeling isn’t random
there really was a reason, that i wasn’t ready to know,
why i kept coming up against the same thing
over and over
why there seemed to be an infinite stretch of hollowness
and that if i can see why,
where it all started,
how i came to be,
then i know where the hurt, the pain is
then i can administer to that place
then i can hold for myself
let myself be held
from that place.
it’s a place that was deaf to general spiritual truths and awarenesses and practices
a place that requires my attention to myself,
to exactly what lies within,
to exactly what i see,
and more so today, exactly what i *feel*.
this sounds funny,
but i feel my existence becoming more ‘real’…
i feel myself more…
and i feel myself as a real thing more.
lol does that even make sense?
yes, it does.
it makes a lot of sense.
if i feel it,
it makes sense.
i realize, “coming home”, as i’ve used that phrase many many times in this blog and in conversation,
is not just to truth or awareness.
it’s literally coming home to my body.
it’s feeling myself
feeling all sensations
in my body.
what a wonderful vehicle for this life.
a… medium through which my heart and soul can exist and expand,
an intersection of the seen and unseen,
of the above and below,
of the within and without.
truly a home to the divine.
it’s wonderful to be here.
to know in a different way.
and as i settle into my home,
i feel like the world…
isn’t so empty
life doesn’t feel so pointless
as i sit more deeply into me,
i sit more deeply into the cosmos within,
and i breathe a little more deeply
it’s a rest i’ve been looking for all my life
a being-ness that knows beyond the existence of everything
i’m still sorting it out
i’m allowing it to sort me out
i’m not navigating,
the sails are full,
and all my heart desires, as always,
is that the wind and destiny take me where i’m meant to go,
and so it does.