full sails

so many things are making sense as of late

so many things are falling into place

and by so many things,

i mean, 

my understanding,

awareness.

everything was already there,

not even waiting.

they were just there.

the aspects of my mind,

body,

soul,

heart.

all there.

all here.

being.

just being.

and i was the last one to the party

the guest of honor lol

i’m not even sure where to begin

and also, i realize there’s nothing to start

i’m just continuing the journey that started at the start of this blog, and before

the search for understanding,

for knowing myself,

knowing god,

universe,

All That Is.

arriving always at different shades of

awareness that all those aspects

are encapsulated 

in me.

but even more so today,

i’m more and more at home with the experience of the human,

more and more in tune with the body,

more and more comfortable and open with me.

with Grace.

and more specifically,

i realize i’ve felt emotionally lonely for most of my life

it was the one thing, besides my relentless desire for truth,

that has been constant in my life.

and i’m finally arriving at the center of that loneliness,

seeing inside of me,

for the first time,

understanding why this has been my experience,

what led up to this,

why why why

it wasn’t just that i grew up feeling inadequate

or that i wasn’t told certain things

or that i *was* told certain things that weren’t the most enriching lol

i didn’t just generally get to this place

there were specific things, memories, experiences

and a lack of certain things, memories, experiences 

that informed me who i am to me,

how i am to be with me

how i see myself

how i think the world sees me

how i think god sees me.

a world of loneliness

built one brick at a time

it all sounds sad

melancholy

forlorn

and also,

it’s a light of hope

it tells me, i don’t need to keep fighting against what’s within

i don’t need myself to be a different way

this isn’t arbitrary

my being here feeling what i’m feeling isn’t random

there really was a reason, that i wasn’t ready to know,

why i kept coming up against the same thing

over and over

and over

and over 

over

and

over

and

over

again.

and again.

why there seemed to be an infinite stretch of hollowness

and that if i can see why,

where it all started,

how i came to be,

then i know where the hurt, the pain is

then i can administer to that place

then i can hold for myself

let myself be held

from that place.

it’s a place that was deaf to general spiritual truths and awarenesses and practices

a place that requires my attention to myself,

to exactly what lies within,

to exactly what i see,

and more so today, exactly what i *feel*.

this sounds funny,

but i feel my existence becoming more ‘real’…

i feel myself more…

and i feel myself as a real thing more.

lol does that even make sense?

yes, it does.

it makes a lot of sense.

sense.

if i feel it,

it makes sense.

literally.

lol

i realize, “coming home”, as i’ve used that phrase many many times in this blog and in conversation,

is not just to truth or awareness.

it’s literally coming home to my body.

it’s feeling myself

feeling all sensations

all experiences

thoroughly

fully

deeply

wholly

in my body.

what a wonderful vehicle for this life.

a… medium through which my heart and soul can exist and expand,

an intersection of the seen and unseen,

of the above and below,

of the within and without.

truly a home to the divine.

it’s wonderful to be here.

to feel.

to know in a different way.

and as i settle into my home,

my body,

i feel like the world…

isn’t so empty

so bleak

and

life doesn’t feel so pointless

and trying.

as i sit more deeply into me,

i sit more deeply into the cosmos within,

and i breathe a little more deeply

and easily.

it’s a rest i’ve been looking for all my life

a quiet,

a being-ness that knows beyond the existence of everything

i’m still sorting it out

or rather

i’m allowing it to sort me out

for once

i’m not navigating,

driving

maneuvering.

the sails are full,

and all my heart desires, as always,

is that the wind and destiny take me where i’m meant to go,

and so it does.