this one has been percolating for a bit
i have realized that i experience racism on a daily basis
not others’ racism
i haven’t experienced a lot of others’ racism,
aside from the occasional ‘konichiwa’ or ‘ni hao’ lol
and maybe slow service at a restaurant, but that’s a maybe.
the racism i experience daily is my own filter, prejudice, judgment
typically blonde loll
yes, i’m forreal.
i noticed it more clearly while driving for lyft
lyft is doing all kinds of things to/for me lolll
when i pick up ppl of color (poc), i have no issues striking up conversation
or just in general feeling comfortable in my own skin
but when i pick up ppl with blonde (blond?) hair and light skin,
i feel myself tensing up just slightly,
straightening my back just a tad,
and putting on a face of some sort.
i’m cordial and friendly – as far as i can feel in that moment lol but who knows what they actually perceive hahah
i actually pinpointed what the actual feeling was after i drove a couple of my triggers
the initial experience/feeling was resentment, anger, self-righteousness that white people had done some fucked up stuff in the world
and still continue to
without fully acknowledging what they had done and their repercussions
or making amends
obviously, i’m speaking very broadly here lol
there are PLENTY of white people that fit my trigger profile that are aware of real history and are living from that awareness
but this post is not about them
and it’s really not about blond haired ppl with light skin either lol
it’s really about me
and what i think about myself.
because somehow, one of these days, driving in between rides, i realized that
i stood on the platform of having been wronged (even though i can’t really say that i was directly or extensively affected/burned by white people)
actually i stood on a more noble platform of everyone in the whole world that has been afflicted by ‘white people’s agenda’,
a platform on behalf of indigenous people,
third world countries,
inner city low income families,
the argument is very compelling (and could be its own blog, not just blog post, of its own)
but still, there’s something deeper that calls bullshit on my soapbox stance
and that something deeper is that, deep inside,
i feel fundamentally inadequate,
next to white people.
i realize that i feel like i live in a white world,
taking up a little corner in the big wide metropolis of white owners, white decision makers, white policy makers, white everything
it’s like i had internalized that i do not inherently have a space in the world
and i’m living on the fringes,
eating the crumbs that fell unintentionally by way,
finding solace and safety with other people that i perceive and judge to know and understand and share in my experience,
creating a little bubble of condemnation and better-than-thou-ness
it’s ironic, isn’t it
i have the power to use my insecurity as a launchpad for my judgment and self-righteousness
i have the power to literally do and be and have anything,
and this is what i choose to do with it
i can feel how much energy i’ve put into this belief,
this sense of lack,
this fear of being insignificant,
etc etc etc
and then i take this perception into the car,
and create experiences that substantiate my prejudice and racism,
and continue to choose outright to reject what i so dearly
want to know about myself,
that i’m good
that i’m perfectly suited for this world
for this lifetime i’ve chosen.
i really do create my reality
i don’t have to try
i just do
by opening my eyes
by being me
by thinking what i think
by feeling what i feel
and by choosing what i choose
what feels true to me
no matter how long and how strongly i’ve thought something,
how many examples i’ve been shown and pointed out to support my existing perspective
we really are limitless
the hilarious not so hilarious thing is,
>>I<< am the limit.
i create my edges and boundaries
as far as i want to
and it’s really a matter of ‘want’
how far do i want to take this?
how real do i wanna get?
how much do i want to acknowledge how real i am?
how much do i want to be me,
the real me,
not the created me?
one unlimited pass to every boundary and limit i’ve chosen so far in my life, please
and one unlimited pass to dissolve every boundary and limit i’ve created so far
to infinity and beyond.