my racism

this one has been percolating for a bit

i have realized that i experience racism on a daily basis

not others’ racism

my own.

i haven’t experienced a lot of others’ racism,

aside from the occasional ‘konichiwa’ or ‘ni hao’ lol

and maybe slow service at a restaurant, but that’s a maybe.

the racism i experience daily is my own filter, prejudice, judgment

against…

white people,

typically blonde loll

yes, i’m forreal.

i noticed it more clearly while driving for lyft

lyft is doing all kinds of things to/for me lolll

when i pick up ppl of color (poc), i have no issues striking up conversation

or just in general feeling comfortable in my own skin

but when i pick up ppl with blonde (blond?) hair and light skin,

i feel myself tensing up just slightly,

straightening my back just a tad,

and putting on a face of some sort.

i’m cordial and friendly – as far as i can feel in that moment lol but who knows what they actually perceive hahah

i actually pinpointed what the actual feeling was after i drove a couple of my triggers

the initial experience/feeling was resentment, anger, self-righteousness that white people had done some fucked up stuff in the world

and still continue to

without fully acknowledging what they had done and their repercussions

or making amends

obviously, i’m speaking very broadly here lol

there are PLENTY of white people that fit my trigger profile that are aware of real history and are living from that awareness

but this post is not about them

and it’s really not about blond haired ppl with light skin either lol

it’s really about me

and what i think about myself.

because somehow, one of these days, driving in between rides, i realized that

i stood on the platform of having been wronged (even though i can’t really say that i was directly or extensively affected/burned by white people)

actually i stood on a more noble platform of everyone in the whole world that has been afflicted by ‘white people’s agenda’,

a platform on behalf of indigenous people,

third world countries,

inner city low income families,

immigrants,

etc

etc

etc

the argument is very compelling (and could be its own blog, not just blog post, of its own)

but still, there’s something deeper that calls bullshit on my soapbox stance

and that something deeper is that, deep inside,

i feel fundamentally inadequate,

fundamentally less-than,

fundamentally disabled

next to white people.

i realize that i feel like i live in a white world,

taking up a little corner in the big wide metropolis of white owners, white decision makers, white policy makers, white everything

it’s like i had internalized that i do not inherently have a space in the world

and i’m living on the fringes,

eating the crumbs that fell unintentionally by way,

finding solace and safety with other people that i perceive and judge to know and understand and share in my experience,

creating a little bubble of condemnation and better-than-thou-ness

it’s ironic, isn’t it

i have the power to use my insecurity as a launchpad for my judgment and self-righteousness

i have the power to literally do and be and have anything,

and this is what i choose to do with it

lol

the irony

i can feel how much energy i’ve put into this belief,

this sense of lack,

this fear of being insignificant,

easily dismissed,

etc etc etc

and then i take this perception into the car,

and create experiences that substantiate my prejudice and racism,

and continue to choose outright to reject what i so dearly

deeply

longingly

want to know about myself,

that i’m good

that i’m perfectly suited for this world

for this lifetime i’ve chosen.

i really do create my reality

i don’t have to try

i just do

every moment

by opening my eyes

by being me

by breathing

by thinking what i think

by feeling what i feel

and by choosing what i choose

what feels true to me

no matter how long and how strongly i’ve thought something,

how many examples i’ve been shown and pointed out to support my existing perspective

we really are limitless

the hilarious not so hilarious thing is,

>>I<< am the limit.

i create my edges and boundaries

as far as i want to

and it’s really a matter of ‘want’

how far do i want to take this?

take myself?

how real do i wanna get?

how much do i want to acknowledge how real i am?

how much do i want to be me,

the real me,

not the created me?

one unlimited pass to every boundary and limit i’ve chosen so far in my life, please

and one unlimited pass to dissolve every boundary and limit i’ve created so far

lol

to infinity and beyond.