the sleaziest of them all

what makes a sleazy person?

for me, it’s someone who is not honest with themself,

and as such, delivers that dishonesty to others in their interactions,

in their communication,

in their actions.

basically, they create their world around pretense

and justify it as truth for whatever reason they consider ‘worthy’, ‘noble’, etc.

they are constantly thinking of how they can *get* from others, from interactions, from relationships,

they are constantly thinking about how they can benefit from everyone and everything.

sounds sleazy, right?

like how can you trust this person?

and what a detestable human being!

well, after a epiphanical (not a real word) series of reflections,

i realized..

i am that person.

l o l

funny but not really funny

dude, seriously.

i never knew how constant and how insidious i am in this way,

in thinking what i can get out of something, anything!

it is embarrassing to write about, talk about.

but the surprise and shock at this discovery made me want to write about it

because i am the poster child of judging outwardly what is within me.

actually, everyone is a poster child of that haha

but in this moment, i feel like i carry the torch for all lolll

i just… this is so ridiculous

and don’t get me wrong – every interaction i have with someone is genuine

from the bottom of my heart, every thing i say,

every laugh i laugh,

every thing i do,

is done from a pure desire to connect and have fun

i know, this might sound confusing…

it’s just that, i’ve noticed myself having these thoughts in the way back of my mind…

once i catch a whiff of what a person has or is capable of, etc etc etc,

i find myself wandering into the halls of my mind…

is there an opportunity here to get/receive something?

when i first realized i thought like this,

i was kind of horrified

like what in the hypocrite is going on here?

and who in the sleaze am i??

i felt disgusted with myself

turned off and even angry that i was such a freaking liar

a liar, first and foremost, to myself

about myself

an exploiter of good people,

a swindler,

an energy criminal (lol that sounds funny),

etc etc etc

but as it sunk in,

i saw a different side to it,

to me.

i saw a more… pathetic side to this realization

really pitiful in my attempts to take take take from everywhere everything everyone if i saw the opportunity to

truly desperate and reaching.

and then, i saw what i think is the most truthful about this situation and awareness…

i really didn’t think i was worthy of myself

or worthy of my desires.

i thought they had to come from someone else, from an external source

i thought i would have to be conniving and sneaky and untruthful to get what i want or what i think i want.

i thought i had to be outside of who i want to be and how i want to live in order to have what i want

i thought there’s no way that the universe would give me what i want just based on the fact that i am me

i thought i had to think my way through to my desires

lying to myself through my teeth.

realizing *this* was and is humbling

and honestly, i feel like this is all i’m learning lately

how fucked up i am

how little i know myself

how little i know how things actually work

how little i thought about my worth

how little i thought about my desires

how little i thought i am.

where do i go from here?

no idea.

i’m appreciating just sitting in this awareness

appreciating this experience i created.

the experience of realizing a lie,

which is also a simultaneous experience of remembering a truth,

is quite amazing.

because now, i get to sit in the experience of entertaining the idea that i am worthy of me,

that everything in my experience COMES FROM ME

that everything i want COMES FROM ME

it’s not even that i ATTRACT it, but that i freaking CREATE the whole damn experience

i create the people involved,

i create the energy and emotions and feelings of the experience

i create the logistics and all the things that go into having the experience

and i’ve created the me that is the center of it all.

me

it’s always been me

i’d simply forgotten and been conditioned, or rather, chosen to be conditioned to believe something else about me.

the journey back home has been quite fun

as fun as writing about it lol

so that’s all folks

just wanted to introduce to you, the sleaziest of them all,

yours truly.