soul good

yesterday morning found me wondering what i wanted to do, how i wanted to spend my time

the thought of roller skating at the beach floated up in my mind

so i packed my skates and headed to the basketballs courts near the beach

where i knew the floor was smooth, except for some sandy spots,

and the space was big enough

someone was already roller skating, an older black lady, but by the time i laced up and cautiously headed over,

she was untying her laces

we smiled at each other

her smile welcomed me

and i came closer to her,

i said, i was so happy to see someone else skating! you inspired me!

she laughed and gave me an encouraging whoop

i started moving around,

a little gingerly, as i hadn’t skated in months

and actually,

now i’m remembering lol,

i had hurt my knee pretty bad in december

it felt really nice,

foreign but familiar

familiar but foreign

she came over to me with her hands out and said,

‘i come here in the mornings before the sun comes out and before the big dogs take up the court,

my friend is supposed to come out too, but she’s late.

then afterwards, we jump rope and then swing on the swings,

you know, so we stay healthy and active.’

i commented how amazing that is

she continued, ‘anyway, i just wanted to offer some happiness to you,

maybe i’ll see you around!’

i said, ‘awww thank you!! i’m happy to share in your happiness :)’

i skated away as she started jump roping with, literally, a length of rope, not a gym jump rope.

it was adorable.

oh and she mentioned she’s 71

jaysus

the rest of the hour and half i spent on the concrete was…

flow

something i don’t feel like is a regular experience for me as of late

i lost track of time

didn’t care about the time

didn’t care that the sun was starting to heat up

didn’t care about the sweat trickling through my hair, my armpits, my feet, my chest, my back

didn’t care that people were watching me while on their morning walks, bike rides, etc

didn’t care that a dude recorded me on his phone and kept going

just didn’t care

there was nothing to care about

and there was no care in me

i was just playing around,

getting comfortable,

leaning into the edges of my comfort and of the skates,

exploring my body’s availability and capacity to try things i hadn’t tried in years

slowly, i felt the memory of my figure skating days surface,

it was like my muscles were being awakened to the hours and hours of time spent on the ice,

moving with the rhythm of the body,

even without music,

just the natural ebb and flow of my body

as i shifted from one edge to another,

from one foot to another,

from front to back, back to front.

the music carried me,

reminding me, as always, that i’m meant to move,

born to move,

designed to sway and step to the beat,

letting my body tell me what to do vs my head.

i had so much fun

it felt good,

a deep down good,

a good-for-my-soul good.

a message that reached me across decades, and really, across eons lol

it’s good to feel good

it’s good to feel free,

flowing,

lost in myself,

obvlivious to the world.

and i don’t mean good as in ‘oh, that’s nice, dear’

or ‘it’s always nice to feel good’

i mean good as in, this is the way life is.

not even how it’s meant to be.

it’s exactly as life is.

there’s nothing more true, more honest, more real than this kind of good.

can’t fake it

can’t make it

can’t force it

it just is

and we simply choose to be as we are

beyond the noise of obligation,

supposed to’s,

reasons,

justifications,

prerequisites,

roles,

responsibilities,

etc etc etc

so much is available in the not knowing,

not knowing what’s going to happen next,

not knowing who the f i am this moment

or the next,

not knowing anything enough to just let life do its thing,

let me do my thing.

so needless to say, i’ll be visiting those basketball courts regularly,

finding other places to skate,

listening to what pulls at my heart,

and letting life lead.

i would appreciate if the lone blister i got on the back of my foot would heal immediately.

thank you.