deliverance

on the first leg of the journey to bali, i watched a movie and a half

first one was a hilarious korean movie about north and south korean army dudes that tried their best to split a winning lottery ticket lol

idk if it was actually that hilarious because… well you know me

i can laugh about just about anything and i take every chance to do so

but i truly enjoy korean humor/comedy

anyway,

the half was an italian movie about 3 brothers who need to lost of the brother’s farm to gambling and need to earn the money back

i stopped watching the movie right as they were figuring out they could make money via prostitution lol

cute

kinda funny

but i paused the movie as i got into an amazing conversation with Soul…

and didn’t feel like going back to the movie after we talked

then, as i started looking for other movies to watch, i saw that Soul had started watching a scary exorcist movie

it’s something i would never have watched willingly

and if i was forced to watch, i would white-knuckle the whole thing, butthole clenched and everything

having been deeply involved at church and hearing of demon possessions and actually seeing people in those situations, i was pretty scared of anything around that, especially in entertainment

it felt even scarier to consider that these things were being depicted for entertainment,

like we were mocking the whole existence and experience of it

but anyway, something came over me, and i slowly decided that i wanted to watch it

really odd of me

i questioned whether i would be okay with the repercussions, the haunting imagery, etc

remembering when i was a kid needing my mom to sit in the bathroom while i showered after watching a documentary about ghosts

not a fun time

my mother is an angel

and since then, age… 8-ish, i couldn’t watch scary movies,

could barely watch psychological thrillers, etc

i had this stigma that scary/horror movies would fuck me up and ju stdidn’t have time for that

not in this economy

hahaha i heard someone saying that before so i’m using it

anyway.

we started the movie…

we finished the movie…

and let me tell you

it was so freaking good lol

there were a couple layers to this

the first being, that, i could see more clearly now, that when i was deeply identified with christianity,

i saw god as the great powerful being that was loving and compassionate and yadda yadda yadda

and now, i know, that when i create an idea in my mind, i create the equal opposite simultaneously

so while i worshipped the perfect merciful gracious god,

i also created the potential for an equally hateful merciless evil being, namely satan and all his homies

and because i studied all about god and the light of his love,

i became very familiar with that side of things,

the good side, the light, the benevolent.

and the other side, which i had unknowingly created, became an unknown,

the dark,

the unspeakably horrifying,

etc etc etc

i obviously didn’t study or interest myself in these things,

because why would i?

i only wanted to know god and experience all that is good,

so i rejected anything outside of that as worthy of my focus or attention

little did i know, i was rejecting a part of my experience,

and if there’s anything i’m clear of now,

there’s nothing to fear but fear itself (i think jfk said that).

the fear around the darkness created a monster of its own,

but even more fundamentally than that, anything that was not god or of god, i had labeled as wrong, bad, unworthy of consideration or interest

so you can see that i had cut off a lot of the experiences in life because of this belief and need to define things

so anyway, over the years, i’ve come to a place of recognizing that god is not just the loving kind god,

for god to have an opposite would negate its god-ness

no, god is everything

god is in the dreaming and the nightmares

god is in the birthing and the killing

god is in sacredness and the irreverence

god is the space that holds all experiences and all possibilities

in other words, god is the experience of observing the whole coin

whereas before, i saw god as the side of the coin face up on a surface,

and everything else, the other side of the coin was hidden and unknown to me,

and there was no way in hell i was going to pick it up to see the other side lol

but you get me?

something had changed within me,

my beliefs had evolved over the years,

my endless seeking of truth brought me to a place where the picture is more complete

where truth is not by definition or design or even desire

truth is truth

without explanation

without need for understanding

without justification

without a purpose outside simply existing

and i simply observe

and let it be what it is.

so moral of the story,

anything we think we want,

anything we think is good, preferred, ‘better’

we create the opposite concept/experience energetically

and we really don’t need to, to experience the good that is life

not good as in good vs bad

good as in good

the irrefutable good

the good within the sadness, grief, rage, depression, etc

so anyway, that was my takeway from the Pope’s Exorcist lol

Soul said that it was better than most exorcist movies, so maybe i got away easy haha

either way, i’m proud of me

and i’m 99% sure i won’t need anyone to sit in the bathroom with me while i shower lol

yay me