new being

i thought i knew what it meant to ‘be with myself’

or rather,

the concept of ‘being with myself’ has evolved,

to the point where the concept i once knew looks nothing like what it is coming to mean / be today.

back then, being with myself looked like being with my thoughts,

mulling over considerations,

giving myself space to think without interruption from others,

etc etc etc

it worked

i would get clarity in these moments i created for myself

i would feel ‘better’ if i was feeling not so great

i would feel more ‘in me’

i would come out with more definitive intentions, direction, etc

also, in these moments, if i was aware i was feeling a certain way, usually not as ‘good’ as i would like to feel, i would breathe into the feelings,

gently willing myself to see the ‘bigger picture’,

experience compassion, freedom, joy, peace, love, etc

guiding myself to a ‘higher’ state of being

and i realize now, they were sort of a coping mechanism,

a way to ‘deal’ with experiences,

without actually experiencing the experience

aka experiencing *me*

there was and is nothing wrong with the way i be’d with myself

but i also recognize now, that i never actually simply observed fully, completely,

without agenda,

without intention,

without thought,

without a ‘toward’ movement

i had an experience a couple days ago where i felt contracted, tight, stingy, even

when i closed my eyes, i saw a clenched fist

it felt like i was clutching at something,

like i really needed things to be a certain way

i sat with it

this time, not labeling this experience as needing to change,

not defining it as ‘negative’ or really, any way

i simply observed the tight feeling

the needy feeling,

the alone feeling,

the clutchy feeling

i observed and observed

because i acknowledged it didn’t need to change or be anything different,

i was able to let it be

just be

i had no idea how long it would be like that

i had no idea if it would ever change

i just be’d

simply acknowledged that this is where i was

and it was enough to witness

i returned to this feeling many times

every time i did, the hand was more clenchy than ever

just so so needily clutchy lol

and i just let it be

felt it out

felt it all

and really, simply honored the experience by letting it be fully what it was

and through this experience, i realized that this is a new way of ‘being’ with myself

that there was sincerely nothing to change

nothing to evolve

nothing to improve

nothing to better

the experience that was present was complete and full and perfect as it was

since i no longer needed it or wanted it or guided it to be different,

since i let go of the label

it was not bad or negative

it just was

and i realized… being fully in the current experience was simultaneously fully appreciating the current experience

aka fully appreciating myself

not trying to manfacture an experience that i deemed ‘better’

it feels silly in this moment, to try to push something into existence,

when the experience of any current moment is already so so so full and good

it feels silly, to intend any other experience than the one i’m already beautifully and freely having

it feels silly, to create toward an idea, rather than being in my current creation

like looking for air while i’m breathing and have been all my freaking life lol

looking for love while i am love

looking for freedom while…

you get it

everything is and was and will be always here and enough

exactly as it is

and i’ve shared stuff like this before

this feels just a little nuanced

to look so deeply into me,

to be, to sink, to lean just a little deeper into me,

letting myself unfold without any intention

without any guidance

without any labels

just unfolding

as one would unfold

comfortably

spaciously

freely

lovingly

knowing, knowing, knowing that everything is held

perfectly

beautifully

grandly

that i don’t need or even want to intend anything

looking back on my life, so many wonderful grand truly fabulous things have been created

without my intentions

or even desires

life can’t help but be so fucking good

because that’s what it is

because

that

is

what

it

is.

i don’t need to ‘create my reality’

i am already creating my reality

it already been created

and i am simply living

breathing

being

experiencing me

there’s nothing left to do, it feels like hahaha

it feels like the one thing there is left to do…

i am doing, by simply observing me

being with me

being with the experience of me.

it’s complete

life is complete

yassssssss

ya feel me?

freedom to be just took on new meaning

freedom to feel…

feels like the key to life hahaha

so dramatic

feels so real

and it is

so it is

so it motherfucking is.