new being pt 2

i want to add onto my last post

there’s one thing i want to highlight / expand on about my experience with the clenchy fist

also, i like clenchy more than clenched

it sounds and feels more fun lol

anyway

as i leaned into the experience of the fist vs visualize or intend something different from the current experience

as i focused my energy, attention, and complete awareness on it

as i became immersed and consumed by being immersed and consumed by all of me in that moment,

i felt a shift

very quiet

very subtle

and yet colossal

in the grand scheme of things

the thing i was observing began to shift before my eyes

well actually, the thing itself was the same,

the clenched fist.

but the feeling i was feeling as i observed the fist began to evolve

it went from neutral observation

to…

appreciation

deep swirling rising within

a softening

an opening

an embracing

a… loving even

yes, a loving for the clenched fist

an appreciation for the tightness, the contraction, the fear, the anxiety,

everything associated with this experience of the clenched fist

i saw it no more as a flaw in me

or my character

or a lack of faith

or lack of understanding

or crack in my conscience

or a separation from me and the divine

i saw it for what it was

me

in that moment

and that moment became so…

precious

witnessing the clenched fist became so…

sweet

so deep

so wonderful

and that translated over to a deep appreciation for the me that was experiencing it

and witness to it

the whole of it was overtaking any labels, judgments, decisions i had assigned to the concept of being ‘clenched’

‘not free’

‘stuck’

‘afraid’

you get it

you ever hear of the saying,

‘don’t stare too long into the dark,

or it will stare back at you’?

i think that’s exactly what i need to do more often

stare into the dark

my dark

my scary

my aloneness

my fear

my anxiety

my ideas of nEgaTiViTy

lol

what even is negativity?

what even is anything if not simply an experience with our judgments plastered across it,

as if defining something means something

other than adding meaning to something

clustering, smothering, watering down the truth of something.

it’s hilarious to see how much i have felt the need to ‘understand’ something,

the need to put things into boxes,

the need to grasp my experiences…

when all i ever needed was to be in full presence

full presence of myself

full presence of the moment

full presence of presence

to witness me

totally

completely

deeply

undividedly

because here,

ugly isn’t ugly

ugly is a skewed filter i’ve used to look at things, myself, life

undesirable, another filter

unwanted

unheld

unknown

forgotten

broken

discarded

scary

all filters

they become so obvious when one actually sits and observes the filters

instead of living from the filters

using the filters as guideposts to living life

l o l

is that not hilarious?

actually using these human-made,

logic-built,

society-approved perceptions to make decisions and create experiences in our actual lives,

when we are made of actual magic.

it’s actually so wonderful

that after living all my life according to these filters,

the answer is right here

the magic is right here

it’s to feel

feel everything

every emotion

every nuance

every motion within

anything and everything about my feeling experience is just so perfectly enough

nothing needs to change or come into fruition or dissipate

everything is here for me to feel

to live

to embody magnificent me

to fulfill the purpose of me.

all that said, the dark isn’t what i thought it was

the dark lit the way home

and i’m happy for my misconceptions and misperceptions

it is all good.

always coming home.