safe

i never realized until… maybe today, how often i look for and think about

safety

lol

what a sexy topic

so exciting

but really, it is

it has been

it’s a source of a lot of energy for me

and a place for me to put a lot of energy

to feel safe

for me, safety not in the sense of physical danger

i haven’t really felt a lot of physical danger or fear around that

but more around existential… safety

more around simply knowing that i’m safe

or not safe

i realize that i seek safety in understanding,

in *knowing* something well enough, deep enough, strongly enough

it shows up in the way i want to completely ‘get’ something,

how precisely i use my words,

so as not to be confused

or confuse others

so we can all ‘be on the same page’

so we can all ‘get each other’

lol

i have basically sought after safety my whole life through my mind,

through mentally creating a space within where i can understand where i am,

what i’m going through,

logically creating sense and knowing.

and now, this space i’ve created…

feels suffocating

the box i’ve put myself in,

the boxes i’ve put parts of myself in

are not enough

and in that, i can’t help but question whether i am truly safe

because, while i am consistently surrounded by things that i get,

that i know because i’ve sifted through, combed through, digested enough,

there always seems to be something within that wants to flow beyond the walls of knowing

the boxes are not enough

and while i have always been open to new things, been willing to explore within and without,

i feel like the need to understand is expiring

the need to know that i am safe is dissolving

other things are calling my attention

freedom

the unknown

flow

presence

and idk if i want to spend time analyzing things for the sake of safety

safety seems a little less important than giving into what’s percolating, giving way, surging within

a little less important than actual life that’s happening

life that’s moving without logic,

rules,

guidelines,

guideposts,

sense…

seemingly.

the ironic part is that giving into the flow,

giving into the part of life that happens without discussion and manuals

is really giving into the All Knowing-ness of Life

is really surrendering into the grand ecosystem of Everything,

not just the ecosystem that i’m a ‘part of’

but the ecosystem that i create from who i am,

the grandness of all of life that created me,

that i chose,

that i already flow with,

that lives in every cell of my body

that instructs every part of my being on living.

so basically lol

i am simply giving into the life that is already living through me

in me

for me

because of me

and letting go of the filter that things, anything needs to be a certain way

any way than what is already in motion,

in perfect motion

in perfect harmony

perfect love

perfect grace.

it’s all already here

it’s simply a decision

a breath, or maybe not even a breath before leaping off the cliff,

because i know,

wherever i go,

however far i go,

however hard i land,

if i ever even land,

i will have all the breath i need and want

always

safety

it’s not wrong

i just thought it was sourced from something other than what i think i was created for.

safety is everywhere

safety is freedom

freedom is love

love is everywhere

love is all things

all things

even the shitty things

especially the shitty things

in that sense, how can i ever not be at the center of all that is?

how can everything that is, ever not?

it is what it is

consistently

truthfully

genuinely

*that* feels safe.