Leaving

I recently moved out. Like last week. I am 30 years old. And this is the first time leaving my parents’ home. Like really leaving home. Not staying weekdays at university. Not studying abroad. Leaving home. Driving last Friday night with my car packed, I felt emotions. Lots of them. I felt tears but I […]

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Onward ho

I told my dad about my relationship with Jolie. 3 months ago. A little over 3 months ago. On the way to the airport, right before I left for a work trip for 10 days. I didn’t plan to make it seem like I was running away after dropping the bomb on him. It just […]

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No more right

I carried out a vendetta against my mom for many years. In the later years, we didn’t brawl, like we used to. But I harbored some stuff against her, her motherhood. Stuff like, feeling like she didn’t give me what I needed as a child, feeling like she had abandoned me when I was going […]

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I told my mom I’m dating a non-male

Me: Mom, I have something to tell you. Mom: What? Silence Me: It’s kind of hard to say. Mom: What? Silence Mom: Just say it. Me: I know… but… Silence Me: I’m dating someone Silence Me: Not a man Mom: ? Me: I’m dating that friend I brought over a couple months ago Silence Mom: […]

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Underneath it all

I sat down to meditate in the dark this morning. Before I got settled in, I decided I wanted to sit with and hold my jade elephant, a 4 lb beauty that I had to purchase after I broke it’s tusk in the store. Though Mr. Elephant is not my initial choice, it’s grown on […]

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My Relationship Project

My Relationship Project for my Spiritual Psychology program is my dad. Dear ol’ Dad. The two things I committed to doing this month are: placing him and our relationship in the light, essentially praying for him/us and greeting and sending him off each day with a deep hug. I’ve been forgetting to do the first […]

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My own road – 44/100

One of the first things that came to mind when I faced the question about my romantic and sexual capacity was my parents. More specifically, what they would think about me, their flesh and blood choosing and declaring herself a taboo of their society and culture. One of the first things to go when I […]

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My mom and my eyebrows – 16/100

I got my eyebrows retouched from microblading (tattoo) a few days ago. I thought the lady that did the work did a great job. I liked it and heard compliments from others. I finally got the chance to show my mom. “Look Mom, I got my eyebrows touched up.” “Ah I see, it looks okay.” […]

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Humbled three times – 8/100

One of the most humbling moments of my life was the realization that someone I had believed only wanted to condemn me judge me hurt me actually only wanted to be heard. By me. The second most humbling moment then followed in the form of realizing that I had been struggling all my life with […]

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Not my family’s keeper

It is my belief that family, those who we grew up with or were raised by, are not here for us to help them. It is my belief that they are here for us to help ourselves. I’ve tried so many times, too many to count, to reconcile with my parents. I’ve tried too many […]

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What my Lyft driver taught me about my parents

My Lyft driver from LAX to home was a middle-aged Korean man. I knew he was Korean because of the name displayed in the app but I still cautiously asked what his nationality was – in English at first. In his second language, he said Yes and fell into awkward silence. Middle-aged Korean men don’t […]

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The last resort that became a second chance – 45/100

I’ve never felt as empowered and justified as I did this past Monday afternoon. This past Monday afternoon was spent at a Korean fried chicken joint because the cafe next door was packed. The people that accompanied me were my mom, my cousin from Korea, and her husband, a recently graduated seminary student. My cousin […]

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Pretty much a perfect day – 41/100

Today was a perfect day. It started yesterday. I had pumped my bike tires and gotten my gear out and ready so I can get going without too much thinking. I got a decent amount of sleep. That’s the best, I’m realizing more and more. I went on my bike ride to the beach, riding […]

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I didn’t punch my brother today even though I usually want to – 21/100

It’s Friday. I’m driving on the freeway, one of my favorite places to be (depending on the time of day lol). My brother, one of my favorite human beings, is in the passenger seat. We are heading home from a good therapy session. Windows are down and the sun kisses my left arm resting on […]

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A moment to adhere – 19/100

I sat in the dining area going through my morning routine. I was in the middle of reading my current book, The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra (so good), when my dad emerged from his room. He came up to the dining table and we started talking… I felt obligated in a way to […]

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Excerpt from a letter to my dad – 17/100

Dear Dad, I don’t think I’m ready to write this letter. I think there are still many things to process. But every time I drift off in my mind, I always come back to the thought that this letter needs to be written – to you. It comes up almost every day. And I haven’t […]

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Working For/with My Dad – 4/100

As an unemployed human being, I’ve been enlisted by my enterprising father to help with a new e-commerce website. My responsibilities include: Purchasing domain name(s) Working with BigCommerce support because purchasing a new domain name via BC caused the current website to go down… Life “Designing website” aka selecting theme on BigCommerce Figuring out categories and site organization […]

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Fam – 2/100

After coming back from therapy with my brother in the morning, my mom needed help with the laundry so I offered my services and hauled 3 loads back and up the stairs. We dumped everything in the middle of the living room and summoned my dad and brother to assist with the exhilarating activity of folding. […]

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No thank you but fine

My dad’s been telling me to be soft… and feminine… and basically uncomfortable. LOL. Because right now, I do not feel soft and feminine, or even want to exude anything like that, especially toward him. UGH. I want to punch him. Because my hardness and low-balling tactics are partly because of him, know what I mean? […]

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A conversation

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. Work was a bitch. I would prefer not to declare such negativity and considered changing that to a less crude thought. But, it just makes more sense to call it like it is. The end of the work day was still far as my senior and I packed up to […]

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#4 Dad

Wow – the little brother can Write. Love love love!

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Pops

I grew up vowing I would never – never – ever be like my dad. He’s not a terrible man; he’s just done some terrible things. But since high school, when the admirable image of my dad disintegrated and I began to use my mind to really understand what was going on and what he […]

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Greek

“I want you to take me to try something I’ve never tried before.” Those were the words of my pops (in Korean) when asked where he wanted to dine in honor of himself this Father’s Day. Nice. He also mentioned this decree was inspired by my adventurous spirit when it comes to trying new (and […]

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Things missed (while in Korea)

This was written a couple days before leaving for the States and published 5/14/16. Not sure why I lagged on posting this but here it is haha! People – Y’all know who you are. And the two that don’t read this, ma and pa. Can’t wait to catch up with people! Mexican food – Jed, […]

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Things felt

The next train left at 8:25am. I flicked my wrist to check the time: 8:04am. “Halmoni, I have to go.” With that I threw in my clothes and packed my bag. I had spent the night there as I would be leaving Korea soon and it was a courtesy familial visit. She walked me out […]

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Understanding

Time: 7:00ish Setting: breakfast table with Mom and the brother Somewhere in the conversation, my mom started talking about a documentary she saw about AIDS and how we needed to be careful. Yes, this is her top concern at the moment. This was the third time I’d heard her speak about this in the past two […]

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12/31

Today is the last day of 2015. I woke up with my head feeling a little stuffy, not completely there. I forced myself to change into running gear and hit the road. As I stepped into stride, I felt… euphoria? Lol. At one point, I caught myself saying, this is the best day of the year. […]

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Christmas card

[Kinda long] My reading for the day: Jed’s Christmas card to me. This past Thanksgiving, my brother and I found ourselves wandering in Marshall’s due to our mom’s staunch determination to do some Black Friday shopping. Fun. After spending about 20 minutes staked out at the drink-ware aisle discussing all the different types of tumblers and mugs we […]

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A great weight

A great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again and live. I lived in oppression the past few weeks, constantly ruminating and worrying – but no more. My dad wants cash to buy hiking pants. My mom wants a giftcard. Done. A great weight has been lifted off my […]

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Vacay

The family is about to embark on a three day/two night adventure to the land of Palm Springs in the name of Thanksgiving. Crazy is about to ensue. In the spirit of today, I’m thankful for: My mom’s rock-solid determination to create family memories by locking us in the same car and resort for three days […]

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Coming home from my run today (5 miles, according to my “plan“), I was greeted with the usual yelping and begging and whining of my Boba and Loca. Whereas their pleas usually fall on deaf ears, today I felt a little – what’s the word – a little compassion and took them out on their monthly […]

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Hi Mom

Anything is possible. I’ve never really seen my mom as a role model. Yeah, I said it. For me, the fact that thought existed in my mind divulges a lot about our relationship, how I view her, how I respect her – or don’t respect her. Which is why what I’m about to say means something. […]

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My Dad and I

I’m a free woman. Or still learning. Last Tuesday I got my nose pierced. This Monday I took it out. What happened after Tuesday was my dad’s reaction. What happened on Monday was my reaction to his. He was extremely displeased. This is very close to being an understatement. But I’ll spare you the details. I […]

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Shh.

I realized it takes just as much courage, if not more, to shut my mouth as it takes to open it. It takes a little extra bravery to just let things… be. It doesn’t need my snarky remark, not my snide answer, nor my condescending correction. It just needs to be let go, handled from […]

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Mommy and me

Got home a tad buzzed last night. Ended up having the craziest heart to heart with my mom. We talked about EVERYTHING. Barcelona, school, future, Dad, Jed, Mom, me, career. Beyond that, there were things that couldn’t be expressed or contained in a word or phrase. Things that lie below the surface of the conscious landscape […]

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I got it from my momma

Mother’s day is May 11. My mom’s birthday is May 19. I asked my mom if we could combine both in one day (and make it a bigger deal than normal, of course). She asked if we could postpone her birthday celebration. To October. She really wants it all. Lol. How do you not give […]

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Week of 2/23

This week in a very big nutshell: – Sometimes, it takes a midterm grade of less than 50% to slap me into reality. Thank the professor, who works really hard to pass all his students and add extra credits for doing homework. I’d been riding the wave of thinking I’m top of my ish. It […]

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Wall

I love it when I get to hash things out with people. All the pent up energy and feelings are released and in the end, all that’s left to do is get a boba or ice cream cone and enjoy each other’s company. This is exactly how my conversations with my mom don’t end. I’m […]

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The education

I am studying for my final on Spanish grammar and writing.  Exciting.  Hahah. I just wanted to say how grateful I am to be able to go to school.  Even for this semester and how far I’ve come.  I don’t know what’s going to happen later but I am so… thankful that I can attend […]

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Casi

I tried to explain to my mom how close my summer break was and this is what came out: “Mom, I’m almost on break!” “Oh, that’s wonderful, when do you start?” (in Korean) “So, after this week, and then another week… and then finals week…” “-__________-” Hahahaha I felt soo stupid while explaining how “close” […]

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Boomerang

Earlier today: “Can you please rewrite it?  It’s ugly.” “No, you do it.” Ugh.  “Whatever, just send it the way it is then.” “Okay.” I disdained my brother’s penmanship on an envelope he was going to mail.  It was ugly, scribbled all the way across the back with inconsistent type. Later that night: “Let me […]

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I have a final in two hours but I… just really want to write this.  Can I just write right now?  Haha here we go. Ever since my friend recommended and lent me Culture of Honor by Danny Silk, a pastor from Bethel in Redding, I’ve been praying for the culture of honor in my house. […]

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Parkity park park park

I went to the park today after getting in a very heated (on my part) argument with my mom.  I parked in the park parking lot (haha) and people-watched for a bit before getting out for a walk.  This is what I saw. – Santa Claus on his off-time.  He was pretty G with aviators. […]

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Car

I walked out of the bathroom after my morning shower feeling good and found my mom in my room.  She sort of laughed and asked, do you know what happened?  I laugh, it’s 7:15am, I just woke up, so no. She then told me that her car had been repo-ed last night. Repo-ed.  Hm. I […]

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After dropping off my brother at school, I’m stopped at a red light to make a left turn toward home.  In front of me is a white mini-van and from the right side-view mirror, I can see the driver’s face.  Yes, I am being creepy.  It is so expressionless that it takes me a while […]

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Blood

I was so irritated it was beyond disappointment.  It had reached a point where all that’s left to do is sit back, open a bag of chips which I don’t even like and enjoy the show. So irritated.  So annoyed.  And even when I blow up I have no apology to utter.  I feel so […]

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Barely

I am at this place where… it’s hard for me to be in the same room as my brother and my mom.  Never had that happen before.  Usually it’s one or the other.  Today, it’s both. I have nothing to give them.  No grace, no love, no nothing. Please don’t talk to me.  Please don’t […]

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Itch

It’s always good talking to my momma. Except tonight, I was itching for a fight.  I’d brought it up earlier while catching up with a friend.  I could get over the fact that our faiths are different.  I couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t good enough, couldn’t match up to her standards.  There’s […]

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Give up

My brother and I haven’t been on wonderful terms lately.  The terms have been a bit sock-you-in-the-face-like.  Especially my side.  I’m sure his is a whole other story.  I can only imagine.  But here on my side, I don’t have to. The way he talks to my mom.  The way he talks to me.  The […]

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Dear Dad,

I think you are amazing.  Although you can’t tell from the way I rage at your comments and suggestions and demands, I really think you’re cool.  I know I disappoint you in many ways and I know that you know that you disappoint me too.  But it’s okay.  Everything’s okay.  Because you’re my dad.  I […]

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Have mercy

I find myself being supremely annoyed by the thirteen year old.

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Daddy’s girl

I grew up a tomboy and never liked the notion of or even the term “daddy’s girl”.  It sounded so… girly and sweet and prissy and… pink, whereas I was a ball of scars, too much energy, clumsiness and boyish tendencies. On top of that, my relationship with my dad hit a couple craters (not […]

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Dam

If my heart were a reservoir, a lake or an ocean, my mouth would be the worst dam in the world.  Nothing gets filtered, nothing gets held back.  Everything I want to say, I say.  Every.  Thing. I got in a fight with the moms today.  I was a beezy.  I still am.  I’m not […]

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I am contemplating purchasing unlimited passage to Disneylandia good for one year (except Saturdays).  Yes, I am broke.  Yes, I am irresponsible.  Yes, I really want to ride the teacup ride. My mother agrees, except for the teacup part.  But in the end… it’s not HER tutoring everyday, working to put fun on the table. […]

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Hot Water

From my room I hear the bathroom door close in the master bedroom and wait for the water to run.  Like clockwork, it does.  Sigh.  My dad just got in the shower.  Sigh indeed. It’s really not his fault.  I’d been awake for a couple hours now and had had the chance to beat him […]

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The Man

We, my dad and I, met up my mom at the Korean market.  She’d gone shopping for kimchi material.  Oh, blasted kimchi.  But that’s for another entry. I found her in the cabbage corner picking through the pile mindlessly.  She saw me and started laughing. “Yah!  You know how long I’ve been standing here trying […]

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The Lump

My mom has a lump on her left middle finger.  It’s been bothering her for the past couple days.  And she’s getting worried. Her theory is that an insect bit her while she was sleeping. A tarantula to be exact. Hahahahaa oh mom.

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Ball

While making mandoo with my moms. Silence except for breathing and occasional scraping of spoon. Mom: Kobe sucks now.  How come he can’t make a shot anymore??  I was watching yesterday and man, nothing went in. Me: Are you for real (talking about pro basketball right now)? Mom: (oblivious) Yeah, he sucked.  But that other […]

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