Believing Beyond Feeling

I woke up this morning feeling groggy. Out of it. Blah. Bleh. Meh. I couldn’t get a foothold on myself, my center. It felt like I had no energy, no vision. I couldn’t see beyond the funk. And I wanted beyond the funk. I wanted to feel the energy I know I am, the energy […]

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We Are The Crazies

Crazy has been demonized. It’s been not okay to be crazy. To be out of one’s mind. It’s been not safe. It’s been not normal. The really crazy thing is the idea of normal. I was taught growing up to be logical, to do what’s right, ultimately what would allow me to make sense to […]

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I Don’t Need to Take Care of the Middle, The Problem, the How

I have this tapestry. My best friend, Stef, gifted it to me for my birthday. It’s a picture of the beach, right by the edge of the shore, with a million dollar view of the sun setting? rising? near the horizon. I love it. She (Stef) gets me. Out of all the objects I have […]

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Blissed the Fuck Out

From the pages of my journal: riffing on the life I’m living and creating. I felt some kind of way sharing this. It feels super vulnerable, super too much, super just out there. But at the same time, why not? Why not bare it all? What is the difference between sharing the depths of my […]

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Time to play in my sandbox

I’ve spent a lot of life playing in other people’s sandboxes. Other ideologies. Other perspectives. Other’s desires. Other’s thoughts. Other’s values. Not that I took them on as my own. But I’ve spent a lot of life considering them, turning them over in my hands, my mind, my heart, deciding whether I would like to […]

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I Am Willing

I am willing to see. I am willing to see things differently. I am willing to align with my Highest Self. I am willing to evolve. I am willing to expand, to encompass new dimensions, to integrate new eternal truths. I am willing to go all in on me. I am willing to believe and […]

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I am about Me

When I was a wee freshmen in high school, I made it a routine to buy a bagel and cream cheese, take it to the gym locker room (I had first period PE), and eat breakfast with a friend. It had been clearly communicated that there was to be no eating in the locker room. […]

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The only version: Me

There is only one version of me. I am the only me that ever was, is, and will be. So, who or what can tell me who or what I am? Who defines what is good or right or best for me? I have lived long enough – I would almost say too long, but […]

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Gratitude and me

Gratitude. I feel gratitude. It feels like fullness. Like the vessel of me, my physical body, the container of my thoughts, the essence of my being is FULL, touching, pushing against the edges of who and what I am. It doesn’t matter what I’m grateful for. There’s a knowing that the logic, the thoughts, the […]

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Love, a horrible thing

Love is a scary thing. Don’t do it. The risk is too big. The fall too hard. Love is a horrible thing. It makes you do weird things. Crazy things. Stupid things. It makes you become someone new. You stop knowing who you are. Sometimes people don’t recognize you anymore. Love is a terrible thing. […]

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A heart full of fuck yous

I woke up yesterday to annoyance frustration blah-ness fuck yous. I could sort of identify where it was coming from. But I could feel it more. I could feel more of the suffocation, the fuckedness, more than I could think about it. The past decade has been spent going inward, leaning into my heart, the […]

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Leaving

I recently moved out. Like last week. I am 30 years old. And this is the first time leaving my parents’ home. Like really leaving home. Not staying weekdays at university. Not studying abroad. Leaving home. Driving last Friday night with my car packed, I felt emotions. Lots of them. I felt tears but I […]

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Some morning words

I’m not sure what it is I want to write, what wants to flow. I guess I’d like to start off with: I am in love with this life. Enamored. Captivated. Over the moon. This is the best thing that’s happened to me, and it keeps happening. Every day. Every breath. Every moment. The amount […]

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Onward ho

I told my dad about my relationship with Jolie. 3 months ago. A little over 3 months ago. On the way to the airport, right before I left for a work trip for 10 days. I didn’t plan to make it seem like I was running away after dropping the bomb on him. It just […]

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These damn millennials

I got a bone to pick. A small one. A little teeny tiny one. But one that’s been digging into my side for a bit. Like a few years. This bone has to do with people’s perspectives on millenials. A few days ago, as I was waiting for my food to heat up in the […]

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Being Me

There’s something special about being human. Something raw beautiful majestic magnificent significant. There’s something magical about being human. Feeling all the feelings, knowing all the knowings, choosing all the choosings. There’s something wonderful about being human. Tasting all the wonders, drinking all the sweetness, eating all the deliciousness. There’s something truthful about being human. Melting […]

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Blooming remains

Five years ago, I was out in Barcelona studying abroad and sending photos of my experiences and adventures to my ex. I prefaced my photos with: Sorry, I’m horrible at taking pictures. He immediately responded: You are brilliant and everything you do is fucking fantastic. I blushed at that, so aware of my melting heart, […]

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My lie of “catching up”

I realized I’ve been sabotaging myself. I sleep late because I want to “catch up” with work. I don’t actually catch up. I find myself getting distracted with other to-do’s, scrolling through Instagram. I tell myself I deserve it, after a full day’s work. So then I set my alarm for very early the next […]

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Leaving the nest – Pt. 1

In my life, I consider the moments of moving in faith, “jumping the cliff”. Like quitting my job, letting go of a 4-year crush that I thought would be the relationship of my life (HAHA), things like that. I have no idea what’s at the bottom, if there is a bottom. I have no idea […]

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Are you home?

Looking up at the sky today, I was mesmerized by the wispy clouds against the blue background. Super gorgeous day. I could see the clouds slowly unfurling and meandering, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Gazing at the vastness, enjoying the warmth of the sun, I had a sudden feeling that I was in a […]

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Still hungry

In this moment of Life, I feel gratitude. I feel joy. I feel fulfillment. I feel flow. And this same moment of Life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, in order for me to feel gratitude, joy, fulfillment, flow. I work full-time in public accounting, also known as a soul-sucking corporate machine. It […]

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Like a charm

Man, it feels good to have this blank entry in front of me. Also, it’s painful. Haha. I sit here wanting to write and the judgments introduce themselves. Really elementary judgments. Like feeling bad that I only write when I feel like it, and where’s the craftsmanship in that? The dedication, the devotion to my […]

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My sincere ass prayer

Spirit, I welcome you. I invite you. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about my worthiness. I’d like to pick a bone with you. And I probably will get crap for talking crap on my life. But that’s okay. Because I feel what I feel. I know what I know. And all that is MF valid. I […]

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Sounds good

The voice. Let the voice speak. My jaws have been feeling tight, as of late. Whether it’s because of the transition back to working full-time and I’m more tired than usual. Or because I haven’t been writing. I don’t know. But I catch the tension that keeps sneaking back in. And I know, something wants […]

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Rising

The past month has been a quiet one for me. Somewhat of a sobering one. In the past, I might have said I lost my voice for a month. In the past, I might have apologized for my silence, to myself, to anyone that reads my stuff. In the past, I might have cringed and […]

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Welcome to the Mad Tea Party – 64/100

I saw this on my way home from work. Took me a second to read and comprehend it. When I did, it tickled me. Life really is exactly that sometimes – a mad tea party. Everyone is doing their best the best they know how. Everyone is wanting the best for themselves, in a non-narcissistic […]

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Reframing disappointment – 62/100

It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve been operating life from a fear of disappointment. That wasn’t very surprising, to be honest. It helped me understand why I didn’t go for things, why I held my breath for the other shoe to drop, why I detached myself from desires, wants, hopes. To be honest, it […]

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Alchemical connection – 60/100

There is nothing quite as beautiful as beholding someone who chooses to show up. Not physically. I’m talking with all they got, all they are, all they want. With all the inner workings, desires, hopes, insecurities, fears, doubts. It’s the showing up that indicates Life. A desire to Live. A desire to be free, to […]

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Anticipation creeping – 48/100

I’ve talked about where I stand in regards to my parents’ opinions about me, especially in the space and chapter of life that I’m in. I’m still there. Still, there’s a part of me that feels tension, hairs on edge, breath held… Mainly because I feel like they may find out earlier than later. Or […]

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Yoga for me – 30/100

I’ve been incorporating yoga into my morning routine. It’s been a very grounding way to get the started. When I’m in it, all I’m aware of is my breath. And my muscles stretching off last night’s sleep. It brings me into the body and, as I’m aware that all I need to be doing in […]

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Aladdin is woke – 23/100

I woke up today with a song stuck in my head. I hope it gets stuck in yours too. Lyrics are below. Bolded and italicized lines are courtesy of me as they speak to me on a deeper level. A Whole New World [Lea Salonga, Brad Kane] I can show you the world Shining, shimmering splendid […]

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Saturday musings on this journey – 22/100

Life is easier than I once thought. Kinder. Sweeter. Deeper. Wider. Brighter. Lighter. Happier. More full of joy. Hope. Love. Adventure. Connection. Exhilaration. Purpose. Peace. Grandeur. Possibilities. Fun. Freedom More infinite. Ha. All that I’d once expected, burn it all to the ground, disintegrate everything. Everything. Watch everything that had once been carefully curated, cultivated, […]

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Peace – 11/100

There is really nothing better than being at peace with where I’m at, what I’m doing, who I am, and where I’m going. Nothing.

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2/100 continued – 3/100

Continued from 2/100. Was there something more perhaps that kept me alive? Something that I knew deep deep deep deep deep down within that wanted to keep living? To keep trying? Maybe. Yes. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. Truly. Every day today is so full and complete and happy. I cannot […]

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Not my family’s keeper

It is my belief that family, those who we grew up with or were raised by, are not here for us to help them. It is my belief that they are here for us to help ourselves. I’ve tried so many times, too many to count, to reconcile with my parents. I’ve tried too many […]

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3 words

Explorative, True, and Transformative Those are my three words for 2017. Explorative Looking back at the past couple years, I recognize the level of effortless commitment I experienced in finding and living my truth. And that involved stepping out of my comfort zone, leaving behind things that I felt no longer served me or my […]

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What Is

Sometimes… I feel this powerful intention, a surge of desire and even emotion, come through. And I know it’s not me and it’s all of me. I know I’m not alone yet, I am one. I know there is something there. Something there… so deep… so intrinsic. In these moments, there is no fear because […]

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Thought Excerpt

Excerpt from my journal written December 22, 2017. Remembering that page in this journal written November 17, 2017 that says in BIG letters – FOLLOW MY BLISS. SEE WHERE IT LEADS. TRUST THE BLISS. YOU ARE NOT ABANDONED… Many pages and days later… This is what I have to say: I AM FOLLOWING MY BLISS. […]

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Connection

I’ve been using this networking app called Shapr. It works like Tinder or any dating app where you view profiles and swipe right if you dig, left if you don’t. If both parties swipe right, game on. I’ve connected with several individuals since I got back on it a few weeks ago. It’s been fun. […]

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No mo FOMO pt. 2

FOMO was a real thing for me. It loyally guided most, if not all, of my decisions in how I spent my time, shared my energy, focused my attention. I gravitated toward people, experiences, and places that I felt, if I could just get in their vicinity, I would feel more whole, happier, belong-ed (not […]

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Permission

Gooooooooooood morningggg!!! Damn it feels good to be alive. It feels so good to open my eyes another morning, breathe another breath, make another breakfast smoothie, pack another lunch, and get ready to own this beautiful beautiful day of this crazy amazing life. Immediately, I feel a sense of gloom-and-doom. Because life can’t always be […]

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Some thoughts on truth and life

Truth is when no one is looking, it is happening as when no one cares, it remains even as it’s not acknowledged. It cannot not be what it is. It is so pure, so unaffected by expectations, intentions, and effort. It is so perfect. That’s how I know it’s Truth – I can feel it. […]

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One humanity

Sometimes, I write to come to myself. I always start with where I am, physically e.g. I’m in Miami. Then I go into my mind i.e. I’m thinking about ____________. Then I drop into my heart i.e. I’m feeling _____________. And that’s scary sometimes because I have no idea what’s going to come out. And […]

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Beginning of a manifesto – 72/100

Have you ever felt like you’ve been asked all your life to live someone else’s life? Have you ever felt like the person you are is a stranger – to yourself? That the image staring back from the mirror couldn’t be further from who you are? Have you ever felt at a loss of words […]

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Why am I here? – 62/100

A question that’s been coming up recently is – How do I serve? Or, What is my gift and contribution to the world? Or, What is my capacity … ? There are so many ways to pose the question but it all boils down to one thing – Who am I? Okay, maybe to two things – […]

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The process – 50/100

I turned off the lights. I pulled back the covers, slowly lowered myself on my bed, and laughed to myself saying, I think there’s something I’m forgetting to do… Whatever! And then I remember the 100 day challenge. Hahaha. My life. So here I am. Another day. There are so many moments in the day […]

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Everything and then some – 49/100

Life can be Shitty Imperfect Lonely Depressing A prison Painful Annoying A struggle Excruciating A war An uphill battle Calamitous Chaos A maze…. or labyrinth And Life can seem Purposeless Empty Never-ending A drag Impossible A pain in the ass Like hell Unnecessary Unfair Spiteful Full of fear A dead-end Boring Confusing Somewhere along the […]

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The last resort that became a second chance – 45/100

I’ve never felt as empowered and justified as I did this past Monday afternoon. This past Monday afternoon was spent at a Korean fried chicken joint because the cafe next door was packed. The people that accompanied me were my mom, my cousin from Korea, and her husband, a recently graduated seminary student. My cousin […]

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What’s your humanity? – 44/100

The other day, I opened the front door, carrying my backpack and lunch bag, ready to hit up a café for the day when I looked down and saw a medium-sized Amazon box. Without thinking, I let out a shriek of happiness and shouted to my brother, mom – to whoever was in earshot that […]

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Pretty much a perfect day – 41/100

Today was a perfect day. It started yesterday. I had pumped my bike tires and gotten my gear out and ready so I can get going without too much thinking. I got a decent amount of sleep. That’s the best, I’m realizing more and more. I went on my bike ride to the beach, riding […]

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Too good to be true – 36/100

Life is beautiful. Life is good. I came home from meeting an old friend for a coaching session, working on setting up the upcoming week, getting stuff done, and grabbing dinner with a cool person I met on a dating app. Life is good and beautiful not because of a certain thing, person, or food. […]

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On feeling useless – 28/100

All day today and as I get ready to go out tonight, a nagging thought lingers in the back of my mind. My girls took me to go hiking near the beach, which was just a good time as always. Then we swung by Irvine Spectrum to buy a top for tonight, which was not frustrating […]

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Excuses suck because I know they’re bullshit – 25/100

As my birthday approached this year, I felt a few different things. I was a little anxious, a little restless about my life, where I am, and, more often, where I’m not. But the closer it gets, the less I feel anxious and restless. Interesting. As it gets closer, the more I am clear on […]

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Self-compassion, not weakness – 24/100

After flying in from SF and getting dropped off at home yesterday, I rushed to unpack, change, and head to the gym to train. I had run a pretty intense 7.5 course the day before at the Bay to Breakers event and my legs were still sore, especially from the crazy SF hills. I still wanted to […]

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Why I’d rather be an animal sometimes – 15/100

This past week, I was at Stef’s new house. We were standing around in the kitchen, me getting ready to leave. I was looking at my friend’s dog – I had caught eye contact with her, a German shepherd named Luna. She looked at me, tongue wagging. It was such a genuine gaze, of curiosity and […]

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I like Mondays – 9/100

It’s Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday. Very good, Grace. Thank you. Hahaha. Every day is busy. So very busy. I wake up before the sun to train, then head to a cafe. I want to say I work at the cafe, but not all my cafe activities bring in income so I don’t want to say […]

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Perfect-perfect – 8/100

Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I struggle to find the right words. I struggle to organize my thoughts. I struggle to decide the next course of action. I struggle with my conscience. I struggle with judging others. I struggle with being softer, kinder. I struggle trying to be more feminine. I […]

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My First Adult Heartbreak pt. 2 of 2 – 5/100

I’ve never really done a two-part post before. I started out with a thought that later became too long for one post. The first part is my defining my First Adult Heartbreak (FAH), creating context around what happened and then, the process of recovering and finding myself again. The second part is more of how I look […]

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Working For/with My Dad – 4/100

As an unemployed human being, I’ve been enlisted by my enterprising father to help with a new e-commerce website. My responsibilities include: Purchasing domain name(s) Working with BigCommerce support because purchasing a new domain name via BC caused the current website to go down… Life “Designing website” aka selecting theme on BigCommerce Figuring out categories and site organization […]

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On Being Sick and On Life – 3/100

Being sick sucks. My throat had gone hoarse a couple days before and I knew I shouldn’t have consumed alcohol two out of two weekend nights. But I did. And I paid the consequence by missing a workout, laying in my PJ’s on the couch all day, sweating out the fever, and cancelling my appointments […]

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A Gramma’s Wisdom

I was changing in the locker room when a Korean gramma approached her locker and then, me. She had round laughing eyes that also looked like she wouldn’t take shit from anyone. She asked me in Korean what my age was, something that pretty much all Koreans do. I responded in Korean – 27. She exclaimed, Oh […]

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I love my gym except for one thing

I’ve been a proud holder of a gym membership for the last 2 months. Up until 2 months ago, I’d never owned one. I feel cool, like I’m part of a club with my little barcode that I swipe to pass through the stiles bahaha. And it’s a nice feeling, I have a place to […]

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What’s been up… and some rambling

This is an update on the coaching invitation I put out on Facebook on 3/17, about 3 weeks ago. I put together that invitation in one go, not thinking too hard about what could or might not happen. Still, hitting Post caused a spike in my heart rate. It didn’t garner a billion likes, reactions, and comments. […]

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Cleaning house

I woke up with no big plans. I had let go of anything I’m “supposed” to do last week. I took a shower, dressed out, put on my face, packed my stuff to work at a cafe for the day, scavenged for food to take on my journey. I was all ready to go and […]

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What I don’t know

Today, I did the unthinkable. I wasted time. In actuality, it wasn’t a waste of time. I stayed in bed about 15 minutes longer. Went to the gym later than I’d planned. Put in my bike workout. Went home, showered, headed out to pick up a new bike for the tri. Helped someone run an […]

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True and False

Things I grew up believing that may not be true. Actually, they aren’t, at least not in their entirety. Everyone needs to go to college.* You need to go to a reputable university to be worth something. College will teach you about life and how to succeed. You’re going to regret the scars from playing […]

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The sky is calling but

Armed with my backpack, heavy with my laptop, notebooks, and books, I head to my car, and ultimately to a cafe to get work done. I slide into the driver’s seat, start the car, and connect my music. The clouds are white and fluffy, the blue of the sky so tempting, the music so perfect… for a […]

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The voice and the water

Now that this week is over, I have so many ideas, so many things I want to write and share about. People have asked if I’m going to keep updating the blog with how things are going and I said Yes I would. So the entire week has passed and I’ve written one post, about […]

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On Wealth and Money

It’s been a flurry of Facebook and WordPress activity the past couple days. My blog feels so special with all this attention. I take it with a grain of salt. I don’t expect it to last because I think that specific post, that specific action I took spoke to the heart and soul of so many people. […]

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I quit my job for two things

I quit my job last week. Well technically, I quit months ago when I decided I couldn’t stay the 3-5 years I had originally intended. I quit when I realized I was so unhappy I felt I would rather not have income than feel unfulfilled and anxious. I quit when I realized time is priceless […]

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Lessons from My Dating Past to Present

My dating career isn’t too extensive, though its trajectory does seem to show some promise. By that I mean I haven’t dated too much but I feel like I’m getting better and better at reading and picking out good guys, and even men. My first adult relationship happened at 25 years old. The four years […]

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Portland in a nutshell

I had booked the week of vacation without much thought beside racing to schedule it before I got staffed. I had booked the flight to Portland, OR without much thought beside glorying in the fact it cost about $130 (which actually ended up costing $250 lol). I had contacted a good friend, Ben, without much […]

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No mo’ FOMO

I used to ask everyone I met while traveling for their contact info. I always wanted to find some way to connect because who knew what the future held. I stopped. Because I stopped feeling like I would miss out if I didn’t keep these people in my life somehow. I stopped feeling like they […]

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Something new

I decided to take a copywriting course. It’s a paid course. It has homework assignments and a discussion forum — the whole shebang. This is a step in a direction of non-9-to-5-ness. Hahaha. Did you even understand that? Anyway. I started with much vigor, excitement, and expectation. I just finished an assignment. And I’m about to do […]

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Step by step, ya big baby

This marathon weekend is a big deal to me. I would never have bought tickets to the damn thing and flown all the way to Orlando to do what I can do perfectly fine over in Cali. But a good friend of mine insisted and here we are. I struggled at first, this is crazy […]

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One last thought

As I head out to New Year’s Eve ratchetivities — which really just means more makeup than usual and a pre-paid entrance fee to a venue — I’m enlivened by the fact that I’m alive, I have good people around me, and I have something to look forward to. I don’t mean something to look forward to at the […]

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Are you listening?

This post was chilling in my drafts for a couple months now. I didn’t even know it was there haha. I think I was afraid it was too… fuzzy and abstract or something to post or associate myself with. But I believe time always tells and as I read what had been written, I don’t deny I […]

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Don’t do it

I have so many to-do lists I need a not-to-do list. Here we go. Start more books Buy more books… maybe Feel like finances are an obstacle Feel like I need to know more to do more Feel like I need to finish all my books before I can move onto other books I’m really […]

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Single focuser

I am a horrible multi-tasker. Except I didn’t know this until this year, possibly and probably two months ago. Or I probably subconsciously knew it in the way I find it so hard to work on a test sheet for work, answer an email to my manager, draft another to a client to get the […]

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Forward and upward

I used to sit on my ass and ask God, the universe, whoever would listen to show me the way. I thought I was entitled to some sort of direction and guidance if I had faith, if I just believed some sort of unique destiny, a plan bigger than me. I got so good at […]

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My superlative

My greatest accomplishment is to mean what I say and say what I mean. My greatestest accomplishment is to then do what I say and mean. This, to me, is the epitome of freedom, because let me tell you – life sucks when you can’t figure out what you mean, what you want, who you […]

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2016

I keep reminding myself to remind myself to take inventory of this past year. At the beginning of the year, I remember telling my friends 2016 would be a year of decisions. Honestly, like so many other things, I have no idea why I said. But the fact that those words came out of my […]

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The More

About two months ago, I had coffee with a friend, and then lunch with another friend, and I realized the major part of those two conversations were similar – the big picture and how we fit in it. We all want to kick ass, to do, create, and be part of something great. That rhymed, by […]

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Pops

I grew up vowing I would never – never – ever be like my dad. He’s not a terrible man; he’s just done some terrible things. But since high school, when the admirable image of my dad disintegrated and I began to use my mind to really understand what was going on and what he […]

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each day i add to my yesterdays, the more i understand how important – no, that’s an understatement – how integral  planning is to life. or at least life the way i want to live it. it determines my outlook, my approach, my execution, and my sense of accomplishment. without planning, none of these things exist. if i […]

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Four bags

On my flight home from Phoenix, I didn’t hear my group being called and ended up having to store my luggage at the very back. Another woman, about 30ish, also had to pack hers in the back. I noticed she’s beautiful and tall and confident and womanly. You could say I was checking her out […]

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Standing, falling, standing

Over the lifetime of this blog, many many many many many many many things have changed. Many. Hahaha. One of them is that I began to worry about whether I’m right or wrong, the things I feel and think. I know, that’s very vague. But just know, it’s something else to struggle within, to war between mind and […]

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